It is extremely important to see as clearly as you can the state of your present relationship. It will determine the best way for you to proceed. Getting an accurate picture of your relationship, however, is often easier said than done. Emotions often run high making it difficult for either party to think and see clearly. The following will help you get a clearer picture of your relationship.

What were the initial reactions?

In most cases, you are reading this because either you or your loved one changed beliefs. Either you were LDS and became Christian, or they were Christian and became LDS. Either way it changes the relationship – usually for the worse. The person who didn’t change experiences a wide range of emotions: shock, fear for the eternal fate of their loved one, disappointment, hurt, betrayal, and anger just to name a few. Because all these emotions are swirling around in their heads, they aren’t sure how to relate with their loved one. Communication becomes strained. Sound familiar?

The person who changed their beliefs is also dealing with a wide array of emotions. They are excited about their new beliefs but often are hesitant to talk about them with their family. They are hurt when their family responds angrily. They feel increasingly distant from their family while becoming closer to members of their new faith. They become not only defensive of their new belief, but also outwardly critical of their old. Sound familiar?

The point is that when a person changes their beliefs, it almost always creates negative emotions. This creates strained relationships and confused family members. Everybody involved would like to improve the relationships, but nobody knows how to without denying their individual beliefs.

So, what happens? Usually one of two things:

• The relationship becomes an uneasy truce. Without ever discussing it, all parties conclude it is better to never talk religion. Their differing beliefs become the elephant in the room. Everybody feels as if they are always walking on eggshells. Although this approach avoids the angry conversations of the past, it doesn’t satisfy anybody. Conversations, and thus relationships, become increasingly superficial. Concerns are unspoken and bottled up, creating even more anxiety.
• The relationship becomes open warfare. Every conversation quickly turns into a battle with no constructive dialogue occurring. Each side digs in their heels. The predominant posture is one of defensiveness. Not only is the relationship strained, it is in real danger of becoming broken.

Regardless of what scenario people are in, the thing common to both is that people are desperate to improve the relationship, but they don’t know how. Over the years, many people have found the following advice extremely helpful. We pray it will also benefit you.

Evaluate what has gotten you to this point

1. When you talked about your different beliefs, did you focus on the negatives of Mormonism or the positives of Christianity? Most, in the beginning, focus on what is wrong about Mormonism. This almost always puts the LDS family members on the defensive. How much has this contributed to your strained relationship? If it was a major factor, it will need to be addressed.
2. Do you remember anything that resonated with your LDS family member? It could have been something you said about your relationship they appreciated. It could have been a point of doctrine you shared with them. Try to identify these, because they are things you could possibly build on.
3. Are there words or actions you need to apologize for? Rarely in such a super-charged setting with emotions running high will somebody not say something they regret. Almost always, there are words and actions you regret. It will be vitally important to identify such things because apologizing for them is one of the best ways to begin repairing the relationship. We will talk more about this in the next step. Now, work on identifying things you should apologize for.
4. Are there other factors contributing to the present state of your strained relationship? When a family member changes their belief, it is not uncommon for this to bring to the surface other issues in the relationship. These issues could be just as damaging as their switching faiths. Although it is painful to identify or think about such issues, if any exist, it is important to uncover and acknowledge them. Unaddressed issues will only ferment and cause other problems.
5. What is your biggest concern or fear about witnessing to your loved one? This is one of your most important relationships. Therefore, it is only natural for you to fear doing anything to damage it further. This danger can’t be nullified, but it can be minimized. You need to get your fears out in the open so you can analyze them. Many fears aren’t very realistic. Try to objectively consider what specific damage will occur if you share with them not only your love for them but especially God’s love for them. Phrasing the question this way often quells many fears because it focuses on the fact that you are striving for a loving conversation and not an angry confrontation.

Have an honest discussion about your relationship.

This seems obvious. Because of all the emotions, it isn’t. The key is, at this time, to talk about your relationship and not about your differing beliefs. If you can repair your relationship, there will be ample opportunity to discuss beliefs in the future. But, as you probably have already experienced, without repairing your relationship you will never get into any kind of constructive conversations about your different faiths.

Pick a good time to talk. Depending on the state of your relationship, it might not be wise to spring it on them. It’s usually better to set up a time to talk. If you set up a time, be sure to emphasize you only want to talk about how to improve your relationship. Any discussion about beliefs will be off-limits for this conversation.

Take the initiative:

• Be humble. Acknowledge any mistakes. If applicable, admit that you haven’t always reacted in the best way. Ask for their forgiveness. Don’t, however, have any expectations they will also admit mistakes. Often, however, when one person acknowledges mistakes, the other will also.
• Be totally transparent about your feelings. Don’t assume they know the turmoil you are experiencing. There’s a good chance that, to some degree, they have misunderstood you. At the same time be careful about not blaming them. Come right out and say something to this effect: “I want to be honest with you about what I’m feeling, but I also don’t want you to think I’m blaming you. That definitely is not my intent. So much so, that I have hesitated to honestly share these things with you. But our relationship is too important not to do so.”
• Be understanding about their feelings. Tell them you realize they feel hurt, betrayed, etc. Encourage them to share their honest feelings. Listen carefully. There’s a good chance there are some things you misunderstood.
• Be sure to reaffirm your love for them.

Exhibiting humility to a family member who might have hurt you in a number of different ways is not easy. We need to be motivated by how Jesus was humble for our sakes.

“In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross”

Philippians 2:5-8

In many cases, a humble, honest approach will go a long way to mending the relationship. If so, ask if they would agree to setting up a regular time (i.e. Wednesday nights from 7:00 to 8:00) to compare the Bible and the teachings of Mormonism. Part of the agreement would be that any talk about your differing beliefs would be off-limits at all other times. This is important so both are not always wary of the other bringing up religion. This and subsequent steps are explained in detail in the next section, Starting the Conversation.